This has been quite possibly the worst 2 weeks a girl could have. My grandma has been in the hospital- she’s 84 and this is her first time in since my mom was born so things have been hectic. Shes getting better. Then the whamo- she has cancer. This woman raised me and taught me to cook and did parades with me in the halls of my house. She taught me to sing silly italian songs, and watched me grow, and the thought of her suffering is driving me insane. All can I keep thinking is “she has to be there wearing the blue dress at my wedding!” (it has always been a huge joke everytime i bring a boyfriend home with her asking if the “blue dress needs to be brought out” now she keeps telling me the grandmother of the bride wears this dress- who knows lolol) My grandma is the strongest woman i know and seeing her like this scares me. She’s like my second mother, the one who spoiled me rotten and let me sit on her couch every night. Its been a complete emotional rollercoster- trying to be strong for my mother and keep the house going and crying every other moment i get. Now working with kids while i do this is absolute torture. Its begun to make me hate kids and everything to do with them. But what can i do right now, i’ve been told not to change too much and drive my brain crazy.  All i really want is her home- on her ‘side’ of the house(we have a mother-daughter house) going to watch silly shows and talking about the family gossip she got in on that day. I want the home cooked meals that I always took for granted and the laundry she did that always was folded on my bed. It was a routine- my happy little routine. Everything seems upside down- even being in the house… I know im talking like she’s already gone but in my whole existence she has never NOT been home.

Through all of this I really learned how much my boyfriend absolutely loves me and cherishes me. He’s made me cry on his shoulder, knowing i cant do it at home and refuse to  be that weak. Hes been there for me thoughout the whole ordeal so far, and with out him- I would truly be lost.

I just want her home and better getting ready to wear that blue dress in the next couple of years- I have always wanted her at my wedding, and now maybe even more.